Why My Domestic Partnership Just Isn’t Enough

Posted on September 4, 2012 by Lisa

I’ve been calling Jenni my partner now for a year and a half. Somewhere around the time I decided to quit my job and leave it all behind to travel with her, I shifted the label from “girlfriend” to “partner.” After all once we stepped foot out of San Francisco, we would truly become each other’s only sense of ‘home.’

Now that we’re engaged, living together for the first time and spending our weekends at IKEA, we feel married. I figure that if we can survive 365 days of traveling together, it’s a good test of our long-term commitment. We’ve merged our financial accounts and our social schedules. And most importantly, we’ve booked a wedding date for next June.

While we’re not having our public ceremony for another 10 months, we’ve felt somewhat vulnerable without legal protections so we decided to complete our domestic partnership paperwork. Expecting a complicated process, I was surprised that I only had to download a single page document. No witnesses or ceremony necessary – just a space for a notary to confirm each person’s identity. In California, we’re quite lucky that this one page document gives us nearly all the legal rights of a marriage.

On our weekly date night, we headed to get our domestic partnership paperwork properly notarized. Our destination for this sacred event? The UPS office in the Westlake Shopping Center. Amongst stacks of packing boxes and shipping supplies, a 20-something UPS desk clerk named Jesus Gamez notarized our paperwork. He had never notarized a domestic union before and was quite amused when Jenni whipped out the videocamera to capture the moment, and he humored us by taking a picture. We couldn’t help but wonder what Jenni’s religious mother would say if she knew that Jesus was blessing our union.

A line was forming behind us, and we had to put away our camera. When the cashier rang us up for the notarization fee (another young kid with dreads and a pimply face), he handed us the document and said ” Have a nice night…and a happy life together.” It was altogether a strange, extremely casual way to make a legally binding lifetime commitment to someone. Trying to keep some element of sacredness, I stopped Jenni from picking up some packing tape on the way out of the UPS office.

This whole unromantic process just reinforced to me how much we need marriage equality. While we have the same state rights as married partners now, the process feels as pedestrian as completing a passport application. There are no vows, no witnesses, and no kiss!

Domestic partnership is an important step, but it really doesn’t have the sanctity of marriage. This sanctity is the very value our opponents block us from having. To compensate, we create our own sacred scpaces and have unofficial weddings and gatherings with friends. This is all fine and good, but from the point of view of the U.S. government and even more importantly from the point of view of U.S. society, our union is still not equal to an opposite-sex union. At the end of the day, I just really just can’t wait until I can drop the word partner and start to call Jenni my wife.

Video: Chile, A Step Closer to Home

Posted on August 23, 2012 by Lisa

As a recent college grad back in 2001, signing up for a two and a half year commitment to volunteer in South America seemed like a such a huge change. Now my stint in Chile feels like it occurred a lifetime ago, and only when someone inquires why I speak Spanish or listen to Latin music do I casually mention, “Oh yeah, I used to live in Chile.”

Looking back twelve years later, I attribute this period of my life to sparking my career in social work. Yet it was also a difficult time as I struggled with my identity as a lesbian. Out of fear of losing my job, I chose to stay in the closet in Chile and pretend that I was straight in order to assimilate into their society. At the end of my volunteer period, I happily returned home to San Francisco where I could be myself again.

Returning to Chile this year, I came back with my fiance and could no longer deny my identity. By chance, we arrived at a pivotal point in gay rights for Chileans. Tragically, it took the brutal beating and murder of a 24 year old gay kid, Daniel Zamudio, to force the nation to look at the consequences of homophobic hate crimes. Daniel’s loving parents addressed the nation on television and made a plea for change.

Their plea led to action. An anti-discrimination law that Congress set aside for seven years finally pushed through in memory of the young man.

VIDEO: What happens when Lisa visits her host family? How is Chile now changing laws to protect LGBT individuals?..

We spoke to Supergay Rolando Jimenez, founder of Movimiento Chileno de Minorias Sexuales (MOVIL). He told us, “After 7 long years of waiting, we now have an anti-discrimination law. This law protects seventeen categories of people against discrimination, including sexual orientation and gender. We’ll be able to include changes in school curriculum as well as conduct media campaigns.”

I saw the change first hand for myself when we traveled back to Arica, Chile where I participated in the town’s first Pride Parade led by a group of teenagers. Coming out in Arica while visiting my old host family made me see how much change has taken place in a decade. In a video interview with the local newspaper EL Murrocotudo, I speak in my gringo accent about my pride in returning home to Arica.

Chile is a country strong in reacting in solidarity to national catastrophes. In 2012, the country rallied back from a 9.2 earthquake that shook its capital city down to the core. In 2010, Chileans also came together to keep alive 33 miners stuck underground for 69 days. The death of Daniel has been another event that has united Chileans for the better.

Traveling from Santiago to the northern tip of Chile, you can see from our pictures and places that we love that we had a blast. As a tourist you can spend weeks enjoying wineries, outdoor adventure sports, and the beach. When I look back at my time as a volunteer in Chile, sometimes I wish I could have been bold enough to live as an openly gay women. But at least for my gay Chilean friends, now is a time of rapid change and growth. I’m proud to have once called Chile home.

***A special thank you to Superqueer Storm Miguel Florez who edited our video above.

Top Ten Sources of Culture Shock Coming Back to the States

Posted on August 7, 2012 by Lisa

We’ve been home now for nearly two months now. It’s been enough time to get back into the swing of things here, but we are still recognizing how different our lives are now that we’re back in San Francisco with a home to take care of, a job to commute to, social obligations to attend to, and a to-do list that never seems to get done. Frankly, it’s been a rough adjustment. Here are the top ten differences that we noticed between life on the road and life at home:

10) Speed it up! The pace of life seems like it’s on double-time compared to how we lived traveling through the developing world. We used to plan just one activity a day. Life in the States is structured by hourly activities, meetings, and events. We’re constantly feeling behind and exhausted. What happened to the four hours a day that we used to spend exercising, meditating, and doing yoga?

9) “I’ll take it to go.” To keep up with this fast-paced life, I’ve noticed how much people have to eat on the run. In the developing world, people sit down for meals at home. There is no such thing as coffee cups to go. I’ve found myself already eating meals in the car, on Muni, and while I’m walking. Jenni and I already dropped the 8 pounds we each gained by no longer having three two-hour meals a day.

8) Online all the time. Imagine walking around without a cell phone. Well, we did just that for a year. There were even times when we didn’t have internet connection for over a week. But as soon as I got back, I got my an iPhone and realized that I could check my email every hour if I wanted to. At any moment, people can call, message, facetime, or phone me. I’m trying to figure out just how connected I want to be.

7) LGBT Pride season. Coming home during Pride season was quite a culture shock after traveling last in Peru, a place where LGBT life is still under the radar. Even the San Francisco public buses had their LCD screens say “Equality for All” during Pride week. While we’ve been so used to being the only gay people around this year, we hardly stand out in San Francisco. it seems like everyone is a little gay in this city.

6) “Honey, I’m home.” Returning to work, Jenni now has an eight hour work day and a three hour round-trip commute. At best, we see each other for only a few hours a day. Going from spending all day together to three hours is quite an adjustment. Of course, spending time away from one another is a healthy part of any relationship. But, the thing we miss the most from our travels is the luxury of spending our days together.

5) This Costs How Much?@%&*!. For Jenni’s 31st birthday this July, I wanted to take her on a weekend getaway close to relax. I looked at my favorite websites: AirBnB, VRBO, and Priceline. I gasped that most places within a few hours of San Francisco cost at least $175 a night. We averaged $30 a night all year in the developing world, and many of our stays even included breakfast! My girl is worth every penny, but I couldn’t bring myself to spend $600 with food, gas, and hotels for a weekend. So, we had a dinner with friends at home and went to a concert. We’re saving the extra for our next vacation abroad where the dollar stretches further.

4) “What do YOU do?.” While visiting a friend I recently went to a happy hour and met a group of new people. Within the first five minutes of any conversation, I got the questions, “So what do you do?” When I answered, “I just traveled the world,” I got lots of questions followed by, “So what are you going to do now?” That’s when I would say,” I don’t know. I’m looking for a job.” Silence. Some shame even. I never realized how much our identity is formed by what we do and how uncomfortable it can be to say you don’t know. While I appreciated the uncertainty while traveling, the uncertainty now only produces anxiety back at home.

3) Back to Recycling. The developing world isn’t up to date with recycling. In San Francisco, it’s the law. We’re the first city to require residents to participate in recycling and composting programs. You can actually get fined for throwing away a can instead of recycling it. I felt criminal throwing my bottles and papers into the trash during our travels. I now feel good everyday I sort my trash.

2) Accessible Toilets. I really must say that I don’t miss the squatting holes in the floor in Asia or having to carry around my own toilet paper. Finding paper toilet covers and automatic flushers are a sign of the advanced world. Jenni and I rented so many rooms in hostels with shared bathrooms this year that it seems unimaginable that we have our own bathrooms (two even!) in our house. We’re totally spoiled.

1) Free Water: It’s really the little things that matter some time. This whole year in the developing world, we were warned not to drink the water. We’ve gotten so used to buying bottled water that we forgot what an amazing luxury it is to have clean water come out of a tap. Many times in restaurants, a bottle of water costs the same price as a beer, so it’s an easy choice to go for the beer. Basically, I spent the year dehydrated and drunk. These days, I walk into Starbucks or McDonalds and can ask for a tall glass of water and they’ll give it to me for free. A daily gift!

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Chilean Supergay Rolando Jimenez Leads Chile through Progressive Change

Posted on July 25, 2012 by Lisa

When I lived in Chile back in 2001 as a volunteer social worker, I didn’t know of a single openly out LGBT person. Certainly no one was talking about gay rights in the country, and I wondered whether I’d be able to find any Supergays here at all.

But returning to Chile this spring, my host family pointed me to Rolando Jimenez, a passionate activist with an amazing survival story. Under his organization, Movimiento Chileno de Minorias Sexuales (MOVIL), Rolando’s Supergay powers have pushed the LGBT movement in his country.

As a former victim of human rights violations during Chile’s dictatorship, Rolando has a strong survivor’s attitude and knows how to advocate for his rights. His organization, consisting completely of volunteer workers, fights for policy change against one of Latin America’s most conservative governments. We met Rolando in his office in Santiago where we asked him about Chile’s recent progressive moves to improve the lives of the LGBT community.

Out & Around: What’s it like to be gay, lesbian or transgender in Chile?

Rolando: Thanks to globalization, communication, and digital media, in a short period of time we’ve been able to change attitudes about gays, lesbians, and transgender individuals.

Without a doubt the quality of life of an LGBT individual is far better than those of my generation. Today it much more frequent that young people show affection in public. Youth fight for their rights starting in schools. There are groups now in small towns in Chile fighting for their rights.

Out & Around: What are some of the positive signs of change that you’ve seen in the last year?

Rolando: In this moment, we’re in the middle of a Census and we’ve been able to add questions that count gay and lesbian households which is something that we were denied in the last Census in 2002. In September of last year, we’ve also requested funding from the Health Ministry for sexual reassignment surgery for transgender individuals who cannot afford it.

The most important gain is that now after 7 long years of waiting, we now have an anti-discrimination law. This law protects seventeen categories of people against discrimination, including sexual orientation and gender. We’ll be able to include changes in school curriculum as well as conduct media campaigns.

Out & Around: So will this protect people in their jobs?

Rolando: Yes. Up until this year in Chile, there were no tools to defend discrimination. You could fire an LGBT person without a consequence.

Out and Around: In March 2012, a 24 year-old Chilean died of severe head trauma, a broken right leg and body burns which he suffered in a horrific homophobic beating. What was the impact of Daniel Zamudio’s death?

Daniel’s death had tremendous impact due to the brutality of his death. This demonstrated the extent of homophobia that exists in Chilean society.

In the fight for an anti-discrimination law, conservatives against the law argued that the law was not necessary because discrimination did not exist. They called it an invention of the left, despite all of our yearly reports stating otherwise. The death of Daniel showed the cruelty of hate crimes based on sexual orientation. In the end, that was Daniel’s contribution.

Out & Around: Daniel also had the support of his parents.

Rolando: Yes. His family was one of basic resources. They were a middle class family like many in this country. He had a special relationship with his mother. His death created a discussion in Chilean society about sexual orientation and discrimination.

I was at Daniel’s tomb today. There are hundreds of letters from people who didn’t know him and went to see him. The funeral was incredible. We went through all of Santiago in procession, and you could feel a true sense of solidarity.

We know that whenever a human rights group challenges a law, violence can get more extreme again this group. We never thought that it would happen to a boy who has no ties to any organization. He was an absolutely innocent boy.

Out & Around: Chile also recently made the news in the case of Judge Atala, a lesbian woman who lost one of her three daughters in 2004 because the Chilean Supreme Court said her sexuality put her children’s development at risk.

Rolando: The case of Atala was one of the most obvious cases of discrimination. The Supreme Court let homophobia dictate their decision in denying Atala her children. The Inter-American Court of Human Rights brought shame to Chile by ruling that the government must pay $50,000 in damages to Atala, in addition to $12,000 in court costs. Chile is the the first country to be found for a violation of discrimination on sexual orientation.

The ruling was clear that sexual orientation and gender should not be used to deny rights. Every time our organization has brought a case to appeals court for a discrimination case of sexual orientation, we’ve lost 99.9% of the cases. Many times they don’t even get filed. The decision of Judge Atala along with the law of discrimination has changed everything. Now we’re going to bring another case to this court of a teacher who lost her job in a public school. I am now sure that we are going to win this time.

Out & Around: What changes would you like to see in Chile?

Rolando: I would change how the Catholic church influences our conservative politics. For example, up until 2004 we did not have a law that allowed for divorce despite the fact that questionnaires showed that more than 97% of Chileans wanted the law of divorce. Because the Church is so powerful, they blocked these changes. This happens with laws of sexual diversity as well.

Out & Around: What do you love about Chile?

Rolando: I love my country. During the dictatorship I was offered to study abroad, and I decided not to go. I have had many opportunities to leave the country, but I haven’t. I think that despite painful situations like Daniel, I believe that every day it gets better. The ability for mobilization and our collective memory allows us to be able to change Chile. The society of Chile today is better than the one 5, 10, or 15 years ago. If organizations like MOVIL play the role that we need to, we can change this country totally. I’m deeply optimistic.

How to Get an International Degree On a Shoestring

Posted on July 5, 2012 by Lisa

Knowing how much I loved travel, I considered staying a third year in graduate school to get a specialty in International Social Work. But in the end, I couldn’t validate spending $35,000 on tuition, room, and board for something that I could put together myself for far cheaper. Are you one of those people who have considered getting a degree in international relations, international business, international development, or international policy? Let me tell you how to get a real international education…

Out & Around is not only about global LGBT rights. It’s about becoming better global citizens. Traveling through the developing world, Jenni and I can’t help but feel our privilege status in the world due to our educational opportunities and personal freedoms. We were also constantly reminded of our wealth…. if you earn over $25,000 USD a year, you are among the top 10% of richest people in the world. Jenni and I need to use our Supergay powers for good.

Do you also want to earn your own custom designed international degree in a year? Here are top ways to earn your own masters degree to being a good world citizen:

- Subscribe to the Economist magazine. It can seem kind of dense the first run through, but read it cover to cover. I have to admit that as someone who heads straight to celebrity gossip magazines at newsstands, the Economist was not my first choice for airplane reading. But it got easier as I caught onto world events, and it sure came in handy when talking to people while traveling. Find a developing country that most interests you and decide to travel to that destination.

- Provide a micro loan. Lend $100 to someone in that destination country via a micro-financing organization like Kiva.org. For her birthday, I gave Jenni a gift certificate for Kiva. She loaned the money to a woman in Cambodia who was starting a noodle stand. You’ll be amazed when your loan gets repaid back.

- Become familiar with the language of your destination country. It may have been high school since your last foreign language class, but you can easily pick up the basics without a big investment. For example, Coffee Break Spanish has 128 podcasts for free.

- Buy a plane ticket immediately. Go for as many vacations days as you can, or ask to take an unpaid leave of absence for at least one month. Jenni’s company gave her a whole year of leave, which goes to show that you never know what you can get until you ask. And if you’re worried about the money, realize that in many parts of the world your dollar will stretch much farther than you think.

- Find the local community. If you live in a metropolitan area, find the community of immigrants from your destination country within your own city. Try their food, ask about where you should travel, and find out what they miss about their home country.

- Take a sabbatical from television. Automatically gain 2 hours of your life a day. From your local library, read 5 books about your destination region. Coming home, we decided to banish the television out of our living room. There’s too much to do in life than watch bad TV.

- Live with Less. Most of the world lives far more simply than you. Consider how little you need to live on and simplify. Pack light. Having spent one year with just our backpacks, we realized that stuff really weighs you down – physically and mentally. When we got home and started unpacking our boxes, we decided to take up a new minimalist attitude by getting rid of half of our stuff. Read The Joy of Less if you’re looking for some minimalist inspiration and how-tos.

- Look to Unwire Your Life. Most people in the world don’t have a MacBook, iPad and iPhone. Take some down time from your devices, and get out in nature for a sensory experience. Admittedly, we were on our computers a lot throughout our trip. But some of our best times were when we were trekking or in the jungle because we couldn’t get wired and had nothing to distract ourselves from the present experience.

- Find a Volunteer Project in Your Destination Country. Whether you volunteer 2 hours a day or 8 hours a day, there is an organization that needs your help. When Jenni and I started this trip, we considered a lot of different volunteer opportunities. We asked ourselves what we were most passionate about (the gays!) and what skills we had to offer, and that’s how Out and Around was born.

- Learn about Local Practices. Interested in learning yoga in India, surfing in Bali, tango in Buenos Aires, or jiu-jitsu in Brazil? In addition to learning a new skill, getting engaged in a local practice provides a venue for you to meet locals.

- Interview Locals. Try understanding the world from someone else’s perspective. The thing we loved most about this project was spending time with people and hearing their stories. Now, you don’t need to undertake a big project to do this. Most people love talking about themselves, so all you need to is ask and listen.

- Share Your Ideas Back Home: Whether sending out emails to family and friends or starting an ongoing public blog, find a way to share your learnings. Instead of just having one professor reading your thesis, you can have thousands of people following your ideas.

* Inspired by the book The Art of Non-Conformity by Chris Guillebeau

Video: Argentina, a Model of Equality

Posted on June 27, 2012 by Lisa

Without a doubt, Buenos Aires was one of our favorite cities to travel to this year. We got hooked into the night life at Queer Tango, where Jenni and I attempted (not very successfully) to learn Argentina’s national dance. Experiencing a country with full equality laws was quite a culture shock for us. Our Argentine friends were quite surprised that we didn’t have the same marriage equality laws or transgender identity laws in California. We experienced some serious equality jealousy.

Speaking with the LGBT leaders in this country, you can see the amount of pride they have in their government for passing their equality laws. Despite the strong influence of the Catholic church, Argentina’s activists have successfully worked with the government to enact some of the most inclusive LGBT laws in the world.

One of Argentina’s most famous (or infamous, depending on your point of view) queer celebrities is Supergay haute couture designer Roberto Piazza. Four years ago prior to same-sex marriages becoming legal, Roberto and his partner Walter held a 3000 person civil union ceremony at a popular gay dance club that aired on every Argentine television station. Unfortunately, most of the public reaction to his wedding was negative. Roberto says, “the people hated us, and they insulted us anonymously.”

VIDEO: Watch Lisa and Jenni tango as well as catch interviews from all our Argentine Supergays…

Yet four years later, same sex weddings are celebrated. President of the Comunidad Homosexual Argentina, Supergay Pedro Paradiso Sottile told us, “I would have never imagined these changes 20 years ago when I started as an activist. I thought only my grandchildren or great-grandchildren would live to see this.” Much of this progress occurred under the leadership of Supergay Maria Rachid, former president of Federacion Argentina LGBT and current legislator of Buenos Aires, who says, “I feel proud of Argentina because today we are a model for equality. Hopefully very soon we’ll have the same rights in all the world.”

Progress continues to take place and in the weeks after our visit, we heard the good news that Argentina has now implemented the “Law of Identity.” This new law allows the right to chose one’s gender identity without a surgery requirement or court action, giving transgender individuals immediate access to a new identity card that matches their gender identity.

Supertrans activist Kalym Soria, a 45-year old trans man who leads RITTA (Red Nacional de Interexuales, Transgenderos y Transexuales de Argentina), tells us that the new law requires Argentina’s compulsory insurance plan to cover hormonal and surgical coverage. This allows him to finally access medical treatment and feel comfortable in his body. He says, “Society knows that we exist. We are different. We are not monsters…We want a place to exist. Because we have families, we have children. We just want inclusion. ”

Given all of this positive energy in the community, Argentina may be the best place for an all-around gay vacation. Indeed we found a ton of places that we loved . Our biggest challenge was figuring out how to pack. We needed summer clothes for the tropical setting of Iguazu falls, urban wear for the stylish night scene in Buenos Aires, and down jackets and fleece for the cold front of Patagonia. Our second biggest challenge after packing all this clothes was making sure that we would still fit into them after four weeks of enjoying a lot of steak dinners, countless empanadas, and a glass (or two or three) of Malbec every night.

After Argentina, we continued to travel through the rest of South America. Unfortunately, much of Latin America remains far from passing such progressive laws for LGBT equality. We can only hope that Argentina can serve as an example to other neighboring nations.